Saturday, May 17, 2008

Rule Number One: Always Negotiate From a Position of Power

Barack Obama is in a tough spot. He’s been called out on his stated willingness to sit down and talk with terrorist nations, first and foremost Iran. His fluctuations on these previous statements prove that he now realizes it may have been a monumental error to admit his true feelings in front of those television cameras. Barack is now busy laying on the spin to escape a GOP onslaught that represents just a small taste of what he will be facing after the August convention.

Obama can make our media swoon like love sick teenagers, but it is doubtful that he will impress our enemies in the same way. His expressed desire to negotiate with terrorist nations has weakened his position on the world stage before he has even been selected as the Democrat’s nominee for president. What follows is just my own view on what Obama can expect from someone who does not view him as a “rock star”;

Obama: I want to thank you for allowing me to come to Tehran so we can work out these differences between our two countries. By the way, that’s a nice Members Only jacket you’re wearing, I didn’t know they made them any more.

Ahmadinejad: The only difference we have is your imperialistic nation’s attempts to rule the world and destroy Islam. This jacket was a present from my good friend and fellow America hater Hugo Chavez.May you die screaming.

Obama: Really, that’s great. I’m headed to Venezuela right after I leave here, maybe he can hook me up with one. Hey, just wondering…but weren’t you one of those students that raided the US embassy and held our people for over 400 days? I could swear I saw you in a photo next to a few blindfolded hostages.

Ahmadinejad: No, and they were not hostages. They were invaders sent from your country to support the Shah and oppress our people. They should have been shot in the street like dogs.

Obama: Hey, hey, I feel you, I never agreed with the Shah’s rule or the US support of him. I applaud Jimmy Carter for hanging him out to dry and allowing the Ayatollah Khomeini to take power.

Ahmadinejad: Feel me? There are no homosexuals in Iran; I suggest you control your desires. I think Jimmy Carter is a great man; it pains me that he is an American.

Obama: Well a lot of people in my country are pained that he is an American also, but what can you do?

Ahmadinejad: You can adopt his policies and support freedom loving, oppressed countries such as Iran, North Korea, Syria, Cuba, and North Korea. Only then will the United States be viewed with respect, not hatred.

Obama: I’m working on that.

Ahmadinejad: See that you do. Now what is this problem you have with our efforts to develop nuclear energy? Would you have our people live in the dark without electricity? Our towns and cities are not deserving of the same basic services that you take for granted?

Obama: No, no, no, that’s not it at all. I just, well, it’s hard to explain, but there are some people in my country, not me, but some people that are pretty sure that you are going to use that technology to develop nuclear weapons. And remember, you did say, more than a few times, that you want to wipe Israel off the map. That makes these people kind of nervous.

Ahmadinejad: Let them be nervous. We will not stop our hidden, well fortified, underground development of nuclear power. Iran is a peace loving nation, but why should we not have the same weapons as the United States, Russia, India, Pakistan, and most importantly Israel? We must be able to defend ourselves from enemies bent on our destruction. There is nothing your country can do to stop us from moving forward in this direction, but be assured; we are not attempting to build nuclear weapons.

Obama: Are you willing to let inspectors in to verify that?

Ahmadinejad: Absolutely not.

Obama: OK, now the next issue. My military advisors tell me that your country is providing IEDs, rockets, and is presently training and equipping fighters to engage American troops in Iraq. As you know I am wholly opposed to our illegal occupation of that country, and I am in the process of surrendering in Iraq. Can you stop these actions so I can show my country that you truly are a peace loving nation that is not engaging in these activities?

Ahmadinejad: I cannot stop what is not happening. I do not know what you are referring to, but even if we were supplying sophisticated IED technology and Iranian made rockets from a facility right down the street to fight your heinous occupiers, what do you have to offer us to entice us to stop?

Obama: Well, we would readily accept your country into the world community.

Ahmadinejad: We have no desire to be a part of your so called “world community”. You and your country are an insignificant stain on the world map that must be removed.We want nothing but your destruction.

Obama: Sorry you feel that way. Well, it’s been nice talking to you. I’ll tell Hugo you said “hi”.

Ahmadinejad: You are dismissed.

Here's a great article by Mark Steyn about Obama's urge to appease.

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